Surrender. In order to be the good fruit in the parable of the sower, I need to surrender my life to Christ. That's a pretty bold statement.
Why do I find it so hard to surrender my life to the One who made the heavens and the earth? The One who made me. Why is it that whenever I move my foot one step closer to the Church, that I am moving two steps away from my friends and family. I think that is my issue: selfishness. I cannot move forward with God if I continue to hold onto what I love on this earth. It hurts SO MUCH because I am feeling this bubble. I know where I stand as a daughter, a best friend, or a acquaintance, but now I am not feeling them around me. I am just driving alone in the road looking for God like I am looking for a gasoline station on a dirt road. Emotionally I am so disconnected from this worldly reality that I even question it at times. Why did God try so hard to keep me living from the day of conception? WHY AM I HERE?
I feel that the real struggle is that I am a control freak. I want to take control of my life and make my own rules and have all the attention on me. I seem to lack the precious quality of being humble. At mass a few days ago, the priest explained that longing for God is not a feeling, it is a decision. The emptiness that I feel because I do not have God first or totally in my life must be treated like an chronic illness. Constant nourishment from our Lord, acknowledging our lack of worth and our debt to Our Savior to keep the love and the life going is only scratching the surface of what must face.
So I must face the world and let God take the wheel.
