It has been a while since I wrote in here. I feel the need to express my feelings on here so I do not throw the burden at my friends.
These three and a half years have been a difficult road that taught me about myself. I knew that before I met him, I had this unrealistic view of life. Because of him, I learned how to love someone else and how to take care of them. Because of him, I strive to find a clear direction to my passion. And yet, because of him, I expect more of him than myself.
I want to know what love is. I thought I have been loving all this time; taking care of him, trying to help him succeed. But somehow, I'm being pulled down, by his lack of drive and his family. For so long I was able to keep the family separate from our lives together, but as the clock ticks, I had a hard time picturing our lives together with our families not getting along. I cannot picture myself saying, "sorry kids, we cannot visit grandma, she's not a good lady". With someone who has not had a grandma to hug and to touch, how could I isolate my future children? The future of us looks dull and hazy, just like the morning mist of a foggy morning.
Is it fair for me to do this? To judge someone because of their circumstances? Can you call me weak because I cannot look past all the obstacles? Would it be a fair argument to say that I only like me who are stable and I would leave them when they becoming paralyzed and fractured and essentially 'useless'. This is such a controversy that I have to leave up to God. If God wants us together, he would do what it takes to make this work out.
These past lonely nights have been hard. I have spent every day for the past 3 years 8 months talking to a lovely voice on the phone every night, either saying goodnight or praying. Now I have a void that I have to fill with busy work, or I cry.
Let this be a prayer.
