The New Year, or the "new me"?

I'd like to take this year, like every other year, as a challenge.

Every January, we tend to bring ourselves to start a new beginning by creating a diet to lose weight or to read the bible every single day. And each and every year, there are obstacles that face us and our promises slip away until we revive them for the next new year.

This year will be a different year.
I will be single for the first time in over three years. I will be able to experience this freedom to have crushes and to like someone and not be cooped up inside my turtle shell. This means looking good and feeling great inside and out.

For the new year and the many years to come (as God allows),

1. I will watch what I eat. I'm open to diets, however I know I will not stick to one, so now I will make sure that full does mean full and not hungrier. If I don't finish my food, a tupper-ware will be used to scrape off the leftovers for the next day. I will not waste food by throwing it away.

2. Second, I will exercise. Sampanda and I will have our exercises outside so he can have a great run while I could burn some off some of my cellulite. I figured that I'm not getting any younger and its harder to take the fat out if its been there for a while.

3. I will be nicer to people. I think this is my hardest promise because I am a biased freak-of-nature and I do believe what my friends think, but I will have to widen the horizon.

I think three is good enough.

Thanks Brian Berger for reading, I'm loving the encouragement :)

Confused or blind?

It has been a while since I wrote in here. I feel the need to express my feelings on here so I do not throw the burden at my friends.

These three and a half years have been a difficult road that taught me about myself. I knew that before I met him, I had this unrealistic view of life. Because of him, I learned how to love someone else and how to take care of them. Because of him, I strive to find a clear direction to my passion. And yet, because of him, I expect more of him than myself.

I want to know what love is. I thought I have been loving all this time; taking care of him, trying to help him succeed. But somehow, I'm being pulled down, by his lack of drive and his family. For so long I was able to keep the family separate from our lives together, but as the clock ticks, I had a hard time picturing our lives together with our families not getting along. I cannot picture myself saying, "sorry kids, we cannot visit grandma, she's not a good lady". With someone who has not had a grandma to hug and to touch, how could I isolate my future children? The future of us looks dull and hazy, just like the morning mist of a foggy morning.

Is it fair for me to do this? To judge someone because of their circumstances? Can you call me weak because I cannot look past all the obstacles? Would it be a fair argument to say that I only like me who are stable and I would leave them when they becoming paralyzed and fractured and essentially 'useless'. This is such a controversy that I have to leave up to God. If God wants us together, he would do what it takes to make this work out.

These past lonely nights have been hard. I have spent every day for the past 3 years 8 months talking to a lovely voice on the phone every night, either saying goodnight or praying. Now I have a void that I have to fill with busy work, or I cry.

Let this be a prayer.

Pulling myself back up AGAIN...

Although I did buy a new laminated journal to write my thoughts in, I still return to the same ol' blogger. Typing is the new cursive.

School has toned down just a bit. I'm learning day by day of what I should be reviewing and working hard to make sure that I do not bite myself a few days before the test. I did struggle at my first round of tests, but I will not let that bring down my hope. NEVER!

I do have PPA to keep me sane and to realize that I do have the privelege to meet many different faces across campus. I have learned to be a more approachable person, and to be witty as well. I have not stress too much about the club these last few weeks because I have realized that the stress was just a time waster.

I want to be a pharmacist. I really want to be the person that the patient looks to whenever they are questionable about what they are taking. I need to be the person that has the answers. I cannot be worrying because I should be ready. And I will be.

Dear Lord,

Thanks for all the blessings you have given me. You are such a wonderful God. I know I do not deserve it all. Please let me be the light that you want me to be. I want to be the new light that could shine in other people's lives. I ask you for patience with my family, and perserverance as I make my way through obstacles that Satan brings before me. You are amazing.

Amen.

Heartbroken.

Right now I'm heartbroken. Reality just slapped me on the face. As much as I want to make everyone happy, I surely can't, and I certainly failed as being a girlfriend. I'm not going to go into details, but I am just crushed. I know my time is up. It is over.

I do not know what is wrong with me. I came into this world naive and very open to anyone who would take care of me. I was not matched up during the first half of my life, but now I feel so alone. I feel heartbroken.

Why does that happen Lord? Why do we pour ourselves into a person that we truly think that will be the one for the rest of our lives, but then emotionally run down by problems? Was it because it was not meant to be and You were trying to show me signs to leave the relationship? Or was it more than that? How about if you were trying to get to me using the man that I love? I used that word wisely for a reason Lord. Strike my tongue so I may not speak it.

As much as I want him to be happy, and as much as I want to be happy, I know both cannot happen simultaneously. Either he is happy, or I'm happy. Seperated of course. Together, I don't know. I don't know if he was happy to be with me.

Why is everything falling apart now Lord. I'm being tested emotionally and it hurts. I gave my heart and I suppose it rusted. It got too old. I feel miserable Lord.

Dear God,

I have not been a very good daughter or a very good girlfriend lately. Snapping at my parents and my boyfriend for no reason has done me no good. I have turned into this monster, throwing anything and everything without conscience. I feel like I have not done your will all week or all my life. I know my character is not naturally like this, but Lord, why is it like this?

Why do I lash out in anger, or ignore wise sayings?
Why do I beat myself up over school when I know that in the end there is only the ones I love.
Why do I not make my boyfriend happy whenever he does his best to make me happy.
Why am I not the same person I was?

Lord, I feel like I have lost myself. I have lost my character, my kindness, my culture. I have just recently told him that I could not talk to him for a while because my poor attitude is diffusing into his character- which is one of the last things I was to do to a person. I rather corrupt myself and punish myself only for my problems rather than spread them to the ones I love.

Lord, I repent of my sins and the sorrow I have caused. I hope to be a better daughter, a better girlfriend and a better friend right now, because I am unaware if I will be alive tomorrow. I pray to be a better person and to be a shining influence in all the lives I touch.

I pray for mercy, forgiveness, love, wisdom and understanding. I love your grace lifting me up whenever I am in the car and listening to song that talk so great about you. I love singing and praising you. I thank you for all you have done for me; giving me this house to live in, wonderful parents, a great boyfriend, and friends that all stick by me thick and thin. I thank you for every breathe I take, every move I make, and every decision that I can make because these are all things that I take for granted Lord, and I pray to be the best child I can be.

Amen.

Dear God...

Dear God,

I had experienced many emotions this week. I was falsely scared and sad, and I was truely scared and sad. The way I felt during each situation all rooted from a happy moment. I have always wondered if happiness and negative feelings should be in equilibrium. Because lately, they have.

This week I though my friend was dead. I was scared. Knowing that in any moment someone can say their last words in an instant. As dumbfounded as I was, as shocked as my body was, I dropped my books and prayed. Turns out this friend trick many of us by pretending to be dead. Death and emotions are definitely not subjects anyone should joke about.

I found out that my dancing buddy at St. Lukes passed away a few weeks ago. He was in his 50s. What was so striking about his death was that he looked perfectly healthy, always had a happy face and was never tardy in his attitude or in his work. He was a joyful man. Although I didn't get to spend time with him for that long, I'm proud that I knew him. He is a happy man, who dance with me with the radio songs, in front of the pharmacy counter. I hope you are doing okay up there Mr. Richard.

And now today, I was at the gasoline station and I saw two people fighting. I couldn't quite eavesdrop during the quarrel, but I saw that the man had a gun, and the woman had a small pocket knife. The woman called the police, and I did too. I was frightened, for the woman and for all the people in the gasoline station. The guy had a pistol and could easily ruin lives who were simply at the wrong place at the wrong time.

Thank you for all your protection, your love, and the safety you give us Lord.
I hope everyone will be safe this summer, and come back in one piece.
Amen.

Running out of gas.

It is safe to say that I am not the only crazy person who is running crazy from ridiculous gas prices. Seems like everywhere I go now, the easiest way to pull up a conversation is by complaining about gas prices, rather than "where do you work, or where do you go to school".

So my life has been pretty hectic lately. I'm working every week, going to school for 4/7 days for 4 hours straight in the evening, searching for spare change to fill my gas take to half a gallon so that I'd never go empty, and of course volunteering.

I have been getting complaints about people not being able to hang out with me or being boring by sleeping instead of hanging out, and I'm sorry. I actually enjoy keeping myself busy. I do not like the old ideas of boring and unaccomplish summers and I plan to achieve half or all of my list of things to do before fall begins.

I want to thank all my friends who have stuck with me through and through, and the new ones that seem like they will never fade. I pray that all of you have plenty of blessings now and as your life continues.

Pump that.